Well after almost two weeks, I finally went over my calorie intake. I feel terrible. I’m so mad at myself. I’m having terrible thoughts that I have very seldom had, and only when I was in a very dark place.
I haven’t had bulimic thoughts in a very VERY long time. I was probably sixteen the last time I did. I have never acted on them, but since I’ve been dieting and calorie counting, I’ve become obsessed. If I eat I need to exercise, even if only going for a walk.
Having a borderline eating disorder, I’ve done a lot of research on how to beat it, what not to do, the dangerous thought patterns etc, and not ever have I been so tempted to do something so stupid.
And of course I just got my own air cast and it’s enabling me to exercise more. And on the flip side my foot it straight again. Not loose, it’s still stiff as a board and doesn’t move naturally, but it’s straight. I’m beating my CRPS with a stick, but losing to an eating disorder I’ve never truly believed I had.
I know how bad eating disorders get. I’ve seen them completely overtake a person’s life, I know the consequences. I don’t want to become like that, but I need to continue losing weight for health reasons more than any other reason. I’m quite overweight for my height, and I want to avoid obesity.
I really don’t mean to complain, but the thoughts I’m having are scary. I don’t want to do anything drastic and give this problem roots. I need to stay strong so I can focus on saving for a house with my boyfriend, and remaining walking. I don’t want to need my wheelchair forever. I don’t want to go to my brother’s wedding in my chair. I don’t want to go to my own wedding in a chair. I need to exercise and keep walking and losing weight.
I’m scared of myself… How silly…